Willingly Disobedient

It has been far too long since I have posted here. The extreme busyness of the fall semester (interviewing at med schools, traveling, classes, etc.) has gotten the best of me I am afraid. Now is the time to refocus my efforts on getting my thoughts onto a public forum.

I admit to being in a very awkward part of life at the moment. It is hard to imagine that soon I will be leaving USF and venturing to med school "X", at the same time I find myself longing to hold on to the lifestyle that many of my freshmen live (I'm a RA in the res hall). Kind of a weird mix at times...forced with the fact that I need to "grow up", while fighting the Peter Pan within. Also, I realize that there are several important decisions that will need to be made sooner rather than later. Decisions that will affect the rest of my life. Why is it so hard for me to make such decisions.

As I ponder on it, I really believe it is the lack of identity I have in God. The past couple of years has really wrecked my faith...not necessarily for the worse. I write "wrecked" and I feel bad, but this is what I feel has happened, the faith that I grew up with and believed...just 'cuz no longer cuts it. The time has come for me to consider what my faith means to me and what that means for my life ahead. So when I say "wrecked" I refer to the fact that my faith has been and is still needs to be put back together.

The big thing I fight in this battle is the "been there done that" feeling. I have read the Bible so much and been to so many "christian events" that it almost has become stale. Woe to me! I am thankful for my realization of this, because for the Bible to grow stale means for life in Christ to lose its zeal. I'm a product of a system (American faith) that freely offers "cheap grace"...if the grace of the Bible isn't your cup of tea, let me offer you the next big thing. We (including me) settle so often!

You see, I am very often willingly disobedient. It is sooo easy to justify my sins. What always suprises me though is the Holy Spirit's stubborn pull on my heart. I know when I do wrong, no matter how hard I try to justify it in my mind, I feel plagued with a nagging guilt. Thanks be to God for this! I read the Bible and come to the words of Christ....he couldn't really mean everything literally could he? What if Jesus meant what He said? All of his teachings suddenly weren't the product of his time, but instead instructions for everyday life. I wonder how much different our world would look if this were the case....hey, I wonder how different my life would look if this were the case! So many of us Christians hide behind the guise of misunderstanding when it comes to the Scriptures....we understand it perfectly well, we just don't like what it means to the comforts we are accustomed to! So we settle, we become willingly disobedient.

The challenge is then set before me. Perhaps the challenge I have had in finding my new identity in Christ arises from my inability to fully submit to God and be obedient. I must fight the mainstream media, enemies, my own sinful desire, and even friends and family at times to fully submit my life to God, answering his call on my life, wherever that leads me....I must become willingly disobedient to the status quo.